Wednesday, August 18, 2010

How Do I Go On

Have you ever lost someone close to you? It's like a deep cut that with time gets better but never fully heals. Yesterday I lost my best friend. He was my everything, and now I don't know how to go on alone.

I woke up this morning expecting to turn over and find a message from him saying "HEY BUD!" But this morning there wouldn't be one. As I looked at my phone, screen saver a picture of us, tears filled my eyes. And I couldn't prevent them from escaping.

I moped about all day in twilight zone, pretending this wasn't real saying to myself "it will all be okay, he'll call, he always calls" As morning creped into afternoon, crawled into evening and dragged into night still no call, no message. 10 o'clock I grab my phone awaiting our nightly chat wanting to tell him about this horrible dream I had that he was gone, and be reassured of his existence with the sound of his laughter. I can hear him now. "WAT HAHA NIK COLE! BUDDY IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK HAHAH you need to stop watching so many movies I'M FINE!!!"

10:30PM "WHERE IS HE!!! WHY HASN'T HE CALLED ME" I scream to myself. I decide to text him "Call me I need to talk to you" I type

10:45 This is so unlike him

10:50 Okay I'm freaking out now...I'm going to call him, I'm going to be soooooo mad if he didn't call me because some movie he wanted to see is on and he knows I need to talk to him.

10:51 "Ring...Ring...Ring" Oh My God! this is agony! "Ring" Voicemail kicks in "Hey wassup you know who it is leave me a message and I'll be SUURE to hit you back"

Ugh why isn't he answering!

I Call again

10:53"Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Hey wassup you kn..." HANG UP!!!

10:54 I text "CALL ME!!!

11:00 OMG WAT IF THIS ISN'T A DREAM...what is he is really gone???

There it goes again, that pit in my stomach, knot in my throat, head ache tears.

What do I do now...How do I go on with no best friend???

Who do I tell my secrets to? Who do I call to talk about my day? Tell all the stupid things I thought of? Or said? Laugh at funny words with? Who is going to be my shoulder to cry on when a guy breaks my heart? Who's going to steal my apple Danishes? Try to drown me at the pool? Who's going to treat me like one of the guys? Who's going to tell me to listen to my parents? Or to be nice to my little sister? Who will listen to stories I've already told 5 times over? Tell me I have the worst taste in guys? Be the brother I never had? WHO'S GOING TO BE MY BESTFRIEND???

You see my best friend was more than just a friend sticking closer than a brother, he was there not only in good times but in the bad ones as well. He was a great listener, advice giver, he gave the best hugs and was a great support system, he was the greatest guy I've ever known, One truly deserving of the title BEST FRIEND. And now I don't know how I'll ever go on without him.

Dedicated to the greatest guy I’ve ever know. I know sometimes I took you for granted I didn't realized how much I need you in my life or how truly blessed I was have know you, and that you have forever changed my life. I love you I miss you every day. I'll never forget you nor could I ever replace you. I can't wait until we meet again.


  1. Awww Nikki, I feel your pain. I really do because I know how much you care for him. Just remember that whom Jehovah loves he disciplines and that he'll be back. He's been taught the truth and believe me it will NEVER leave him. Stay strong my sista. I love you.

  2. Aw, I'm sorry sweetie. This sucks and I know it will suck for awhile. I won't give all flowery, rosy words because we all have to go through stuff and feel the pain but trust me, things do get better...Be strong. HUGS!!

  3. Thnx soooo much sista b & aunt tasha. I knw they will itz jus getn 2 the "betta times" thats the problm there's no bus 2 catch or train 2 hop on, itz like a maze, hard 2 find ur way out of the sadness.

  4. There's really nothin I can say that will make you feel better. But i will say that I felt your pain and Im really sorry for the loss of a friend. I'll pray that he returns as soon as possible.