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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

How Do I Go On

Have you ever lost someone close to you? It's like a deep cut that with time gets better but never fully heals. Yesterday I lost my best friend. He was my everything, and now I don't know how to go on alone.




I woke up this morning expecting to turn over and find a message from him saying "HEY BUD!" But this morning there wouldn't be one. As I looked at my phone, screen saver a picture of us, tears filled my eyes. And I couldn't prevent them from escaping.



I moped about all day in twilight zone, pretending this wasn't real saying to myself "it will all be okay, he'll call, he always calls" As morning creped into afternoon, crawled into evening and dragged into night still no call, no message. 10 o'clock I grab my phone awaiting our nightly chat wanting to tell him about this horrible dream I had that he was gone, and be reassured of his existence with the sound of his laughter. I can hear him now. "WAT HAHA NIK COLE! BUDDY IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK HAHAH you need to stop watching so many movies I'M FINE!!!"



10:30PM "WHERE IS HE!!! WHY HASN'T HE CALLED ME" I scream to myself. I decide to text him "Call me I need to talk to you" I type



10:45 This is so unlike him

10:50 Okay I'm freaking out now...I'm going to call him, I'm going to be soooooo mad if he didn't call me because some movie he wanted to see is on and he knows I need to talk to him.

10:51 "Ring...Ring...Ring" Oh My God! this is agony! "Ring" Voicemail kicks in "Hey wassup you know who it is leave me a message and I'll be SUURE to hit you back"

Ugh why isn't he answering!

I Call again

10:53"Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring...Hey wassup you kn..." HANG UP!!!

10:54 I text "CALL ME!!!

11:00 OMG WAT IF THIS ISN'T A DREAM...what is he is really gone???

There it goes again, that pit in my stomach, knot in my throat, head ache tears.

What do I do now...How do I go on with no best friend???



Who do I tell my secrets to? Who do I call to talk about my day? Tell all the stupid things I thought of? Or said? Laugh at funny words with? Who is going to be my shoulder to cry on when a guy breaks my heart? Who's going to steal my apple Danishes? Try to drown me at the pool? Who's going to treat me like one of the guys? Who's going to tell me to listen to my parents? Or to be nice to my little sister? Who will listen to stories I've already told 5 times over? Tell me I have the worst taste in guys? Be the brother I never had? WHO'S GOING TO BE MY BESTFRIEND???



You see my best friend was more than just a friend sticking closer than a brother, he was there not only in good times but in the bad ones as well. He was a great listener, advice giver, he gave the best hugs and was a great support system, he was the greatest guy I've ever known, One truly deserving of the title BEST FRIEND. And now I don't know how I'll ever go on without him.



Dedicated to the greatest guy I’ve ever know. I know sometimes I took you for granted I didn't realized how much I need you in my life or how truly blessed I was have know you, and that you have forever changed my life. I love you I miss you every day. I'll never forget you nor could I ever replace you. I can't wait until we meet again.

Monday, August 16, 2010

In Response To Your Reply

Come live with me, and be my love


And we will all the pleasures prove

Board a ship to eternity

Of complete modernity



Our love had no precedent

Forward we'd make advancement

And see all the joys of our love

Live a life we could only dream of



As we sail our bodies we'd leave

Our hopes and dreams we'd achieve

We'd float above the clouds, so high

And never would we say good bye
















Into your eyes I began to dream

And realize our love is supreme

Grabbing your hand to keep you close

Telling you how I love you most



Hoping forever we'd stay this way

I'd never let this slip away

You I'd forever take hold of

Come live with me, and be my love



A love that will last forever

Just you and I here together

If these delights thy mind may move

then live with me, and be my love.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Culminating Confession

Sitting in my room with pen and paper

Wondering how could I have become her

A girl mute, speechless in this verbal world

In my head thoughts continuously twirled

It’s because you knocked me off of my game

And I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same



I use to be such a lovely writer

It lifted the load, made my burden lighter

Words always seemed to come easily

And for me rhyme always flowed freely

But suddenly all this came to a halt

Which was entirely all your fault



You gave me emotions I never before had

You never took away but would always add

With you everything was so different so new

And I wanted t give something back to you

But nothing was perfect enough to give

You made me finally began to live















 I searched for words to express how I felt

To describe how you made my heard melt

But none met the standard for you I set

I became so frustrated and upset

Going about it all so half hearted

I gave up before I even started



I put so much focus on words the outcome

Not thinking about where they should come from

Now not focusing on sound but meaning

No longer the words demeaning

Finally taking the words from my heart

Beginning with a whole new start



Slowly the words began to come to me

I was able to express my feelings for thee

By just focusing on the love you gave

Words no longer would this heart of mine enslave

So now my paper is no longer blank

And it is you that I must thank

Monday, August 2, 2010

Dessert Of Destiny

Last night I cried a sea of tears


Within them swam my fears

From my eyes flowed dreams of endless possibilities

Of wonderful futures that could never be

Floating down this river of pain

Screamed lies desperation and shame

These were my wakeup call into reality

For once I could see how things were in actuality

No longer would I dream of you and I

With maturity came the time to kiss you goodbye
As I sailed through this ocean of my past

I saw the reasons we could never last

It was because I loved you

Far more deeply than you knew

But for me this same love you didn’t share

And my heart could no longer go on alone, unpaired

Desperation gave forth to lies

Pretending I didn’t care lead to my demise

It came to the point where I was all cried out

And eventually I surcame to a drought

My bones lye with so many others in the dessert of destiny

Because like them to love got the best of me

You see my tears for you were tears of life

In hopes that one day you would call me your wife

But to me the fantasy never came true

And in the end I died from loving you

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Love Lost

Each and every one of us are inbreed with a desire to be loved. A trait given to us by the epitome of love God himself. Even more impressive then this unique trait is a gift oh so very precious, the ability to give LOVE.



From infancy we search to fill this desire to give and receive love. Prime example; The love shared between a mother and child on the day of one’s birth, despite this being the two's first introduction they share a bond that’s almost inseparable. But what happens when love is never found? Is it possible to live without it? Is love one of those things in life that if never experience can neverbe  missed? Or better yet, once you have can you go one without it? Is love an addiction, one for which we can never withdraw from.



What do you do when you find love, true love? The kind that makes you laugh, smile, cry, scream, act insane, just as it should. A love that’s whole-souled, one where you give of yourself completely. And then you face the heartbreaking challenge of having to part with love for a time, only to find out love isn't coming back. How do you move on from an unbelievable circumstance? Knowing this love was real, is it possible to ever open your heart to a substitute? Can the healing powers of a new love mend the wounds of a heart torn in two by a previous one?



In life is it possible to give away all the love you posses? That when the heart is broken to the point of no repair love can no longer be manufactured? If love is indeed life, is one truly alive once the heart can no longer conceive love. And if not than what are you? What am I? What do we do now? How can we move on after love was lost?

Saturday, July 31, 2010

2 Share or Not?

What is a true friend? Is it someone that you can get into mischief with? Someone that will lie for you? Won't tell your parents when you get in trouble? Someone who will introduce you to all the popular people? Or is it someone who will look out for you? Tell you when your doin something stupid? Be there for you in not just the good times, but more so in the bad ones? Someone who will tell on you if thats what it takes to make sure you return safe.




I think that in life one of the hardest things for young people to do is to find true friends. All to often we mistake people for life long friends when in actuality they may only be ment to be in your life for a season. The trouble is finding those few who will stick around forever. I've found that in life i can be far to trusting, being raised to love all, and give everyone a chance, not listening to the things people may say. Over the years I've collected a large crowd of friends, but a fear that comes with the addition of every new friend is the chance that you will get close only to part.



I can't even began to describe the pain that comes from loosing someone you thought would be in your life forever. I don't know if you've ever lost a best friend but I have, and no matter how many other friends you may have no one can ever replace the space that one took up in your heart, noone can ever replaced the countless tears you shed in their behalf. But my question to you is should you ever forgive the unforgivable only to get this person back dispite knowing that being hurt again by them is inevitable? Are your memories with them worth all the future pain their sure to bring? Is it really worth forming new relationships when its very likely you'll be hurt by them one day? Or should you just remove your heart from every relationship, just stop having love for others to save yourself from the pain. Is with holding your love really being selfish? Or is it self-defense?